I put my hand on his face and looked him in the eyes. I said:
I’ve never felt a fire like the one I have for you. This feeling is so strong and I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I jumped in and I’m stuck in this drowning sensation that I don’t want to leave. I can’t lose this feeling. You mean so much to me.
He says, “ I love you too”.
I felt satisfied at the time that he also loved me. Looking back now I think about this and wonder was it enough? That’s all he ever really said to convey his feelings. Once in a while if he got really drunk I’d get a phone call from him saying he missed me and was thinking about me.
But I’m the smother you in kisses as soon as you wake up, hold your hand, sit next to you in a booth, leave you love notes forever type.
Is telling you love someone enough to make them happy? I’m not sure it is for me. We’ve always heard actions speak louder than words, but at the end of the day do words speak louder than words. It’s something I’ve been struggling with this week looking at all of my friendships, relationships, or any other “ship” i have been in. As I look back on that past “ship”, I remember how tired I was of him disappointing me time after time. I was tired of his apology time after time.
I told him to stop apologizing, because actions speak louder than words. His actions did change, but it was never to be brought up again. Was this his choice or mine? Or the best for us?I feel like once his action changed I was like ” YAY”, but where is our conversation on, “why it took so long, were you ever sorry”, or some kind of words about it?
Words. They are so important. But why can’t I be happy with the action alone? I’m going to chalk it up to nature/nurture/life experiences I suppose. Personally, I prefer to use my actions, because my communication skills have been a work in progress for 26 years. So let’s move to a new friendship I have.
A text from a new him at 7am:
I realized how much better I sleep when you’re next to me and how much calmer my soul is.
He will never have any idea how important those words are to me. Words that have never been said to me. His actions have been abnormal to me during our entire “ship”. Abnormal, as in more than the ordinary. Abnormal, as in exceptional. Now you have a dangerous mix of these abnormal actions and abnormal words to me.
Maybe the secret formula is words, actions, words? Always actions? Only words? Obviously its going to be dependent on the situation, but I think it needs to be a conversation we have with people before we start any kind of “ship” with them.
So that’s what I am going to work on from now and on 🙂❤️