Here’s what it is. I am so sick of people and their childish relationships. All relationships or “ships”, friends, family, relationship doesn’t matter, should be at an adult communication level. Most of the people that request support in groups I run are always talking about communication problems in their ‘ships’. Common problems I hear are talking and not listening, listening and not talking, or just not talking about it and avoiding.
An example I ran into the other day:
Guy meets girl and they fall in love. In this girls, last relationship she tried for years to make sure her partners friends and him stayed in touch and communicated. He was kind of anti-social so she put in a lot of effort. In this new relationship the girl does the same thing. She invites his friends to hang out, do activities, and even shares things of her own with them. Well this guys best friend is a flake, made promises he didn’t keep, talked to her inappropriately, told her very mean things about her boyfriend, erratic behavior…the list goes on. Although this was him, the girl suffers from severe acceptance issues and wants her boyfriend to be happy so she STILL invites him to things. He STILL doesn’t show to things or do what he says he will do. Well this guy drops off the face of the earth for a while (anyone can see he was jealous that his friend was in love and didn’t know how to ask for his own time with his friend). He recently came back into his life and the two friends caught up. Well, this guy informed the girl that his friend didn’t like her and that’s why he stopped talking to him.
(A lot more to the story, like why she lets people treat her poorly, but we’ll go over that later)
This guy is 30ish. How can you be this old and not communicate your needs properly? Why does this guy think it’s okay to be like this? How many times has this worked to reinforce the behavior? How many people let him do this? Were his parents like this? Does he do this to all his friends?
Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate childish behavior. If you can’t communicate to me your wants and needs, then I will not be friends with you. You don’t have to be good at communicating them, I always tell my friends, “if you can’t say it to my face, then text me it or sing it”. The half a year of no talking, because you felt left out is something someone learning how to communicate does. That would maybe me acceptable from a small child, not an educated, employed person.
In the end, it’s not the girl at fault.
In the end, the girl is a scapegoat. She will now think that there is something wrong with her, when their might not be.
As I was listening to this story and processing it, I thought about my own communication flaws and strengths. My biggest issue I have with myself is I always take the, “Well if you’re gonna keep accusing me of it, I’m gonna do it”. In the situation above, I would have given him a reason not to like me. She spent all this time and effort on him and in the end he probably can’t spell her name. I would easily give him a reason not to like me, but that’s me. I would do a great job at communicating to him that he was an asshole and didn’t need to worrying about not liking me anymore.
What should she do? Better question that we haven’t addressed…what will her boyfriend do?
These are my Saturday thoughts.
*Writing helps me process my own thoughts and emotions and I love feedback on how other people would process these types of situations*